Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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