Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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