does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
