I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
