i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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