Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
