dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize