Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
