i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
