At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
