He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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