Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sext me about skeletons
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
