When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
