I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
