he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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