she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize