I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize