you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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