Pappa wants mamma naked
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
