Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
