Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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