Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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