Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
