WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
