It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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