so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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