He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
