The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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