Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize