I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
