Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
