I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize