Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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