You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
