we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
