He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
