So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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