I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
