You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Fuck appropriateness.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize