somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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