It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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