I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
