i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I deserve this hangover.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
