I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
