I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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