he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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