if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
