just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
