She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
