i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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