Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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