i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
