broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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