Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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