Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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