The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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