I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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