so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Acid is not a monday night drug
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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