I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
whose ass print is on the piano?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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