Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
