I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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