Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
