I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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