im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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