I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize