My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
