She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The air was thick with penises
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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