If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize