You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize