I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
