1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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